Books: Book One - Book Two - Book Three - Book Four

Book one

The first printed book start with Update 1, The Goblins' Introduction p. 1, and ends with Update 33, The Beginning p.123. It was first published on ???


A Goblin warcamp is forewarned of an impending attack from adventurers by their fortune teller, Young and Beautiful (She named herself - in reality, she is neither of those things). They get ready to stave off the attack, with Fumbles becoming a 1st level character (Señor Vorpal Kickasso - 1/11 of every PHB class) in order to help. The preparations are interrupted by Hawl, the orc trader, who trades a "bowling ball in a wooden cage" and assorted rubbish for some of the goblins best items.

Meanwhile, the adventurers are finding their way to the goblin camp. Forgath, the dwarven cleric accidentally summons a Pit Fiend unofficially named Not-Walter (A recurring character, who also starred in the mini-comic Not-Walter Screams like a Little Girl). The adventurers run, leaving Minmax, the dumbest but also the strongest fighter, alone to fight Not-Walter and his underlings. After killing one of the monsters, Not-Walter catches Minmax, and takes pleasure in describing the torments he's going to inflict on Minmax. However, he throws Minmax away in disgust, after he starts crying.

Eventually, they reach the goblin camp. The three drow adventurers head round to the other side of the camp, while Minmax and Forgath stay where they are, so to catch the goblins in a pincer-attack. Minmax and Forgath have an argument, resulting in Minmax taking a dive into a nearby lake. Unfortunately for Minmax, however, a huge tentacled monster, similar to the "Watcher in the Water" from the Lord of the Rings, grabs Minmax and swallows him whole. Forgath manages to rescue Minmax, stating only that "it had a soft body, lets leave it at that" in answer to Minmax's query of how he'd pulled off such an heroic feat.

Meanwhile, Hawl has gotten back to some sort of tavern, that seems exclusively for evil-aligned humanoids. He is playing cards, when, suddenly, the doorman Sticks' head is pulled through the viewing slot in the door, and his neck is broken. This allows Kore, who was on the other side of the "Two inch thick dwarven steel" door, access to the keys that the doorman was wearing around his neck. Kore gets into the tavern, and proceeds to massacre the occupants, including Hawl, and Targoth Bladebeard, a dwarven orphan who was adopted by Hawl after he killed the boy's father. Kore then proceeded to take Hawl's map of how to get to the goblin war camp.

Back at the goblin war camp, Minmax manages to breach the goblin's defenses by coming up with his first truly smart plan. He topples a tree made of dead wood onto the goblins, impaling many, and scattering the rest. Minmax and Forgath manage to wipe out the remaining goblins, with the exception of Chief, who had hidden. Forgath goes to the camp to help the drow, while Minmax stays looking for Chief.

The drow, meanwhile, have attacked the other end of the camp. One-Eye and Big Ears manage to damage Seth Bainwraith with a cleverly constructed trap. In revenge, Drowbabe (Her real name is never revealed, except to those who bought the book) casts a magic missile, killing One-Eye.

Seth retreats into the old goblin's hut, looking for "easy XP". However, he instead finds Thaco, who proceeds to reduce Seth to -3 hitpoints, with the bet that he wouldn't be able to stabilize in 7 rounds, before he died.

However, before Seth can be killed off by another of the old goblins, Drowbabe arrives, and casts sleep. Unfortunately for her, Big Ears comes in after the spell has been cast, and kills her to avenge his friend, One-Eye. Seth dies as well.

During the battle, Drasst tries to kill Big Ears, but is fooled by him into thinking that a bird feeder is another trap, similar to the one that hit Seth. In the confusion, Big Ears escapes, and Drasst becomes angry.

Meanwhile, Complains of Names has gone to Chief's rescue. He starts fighting Minmax, but quickly realizes that he can't beat him in a straight fight. He retreats, after getting Minmax angry.

Forgath finds the fortune teller, who manages to place doubt in his mind - are the adventurers the "Good Guys"? Are the goblins really evil? - However, he eventually kills Young and Beautiful with an Inflict Light Wounds spell to the face.

Drasst manages to find Dies Horribly, and decides to torture him to death, because he's still angry about Big Ears. He cuts off Dies' left arm, but in the process, releases the "Bowling Ball". This turns out to be a sentient creature called Klik, who protects Dies, and turns into a 10ft long sword, killing Drasst. However, Klik is fatally vulnerable to blood, so Dies drags him to the lake to wash the blood off.

Meanwhile, Fumbles, under his new guise of 'Vorpal Kickasso,' attacks Forgath and Minmax. As is customary for him, however, Fumbles makes a severe fumble that sets off a two-page long chain-reaction. Believing the goblin to be harmless, the adventures turn their thoughts elsewhere, only for Fumbles to attack them yet again. This time he manages to severely humiliate (and cause great pain to) Minmax, before running off again screaming his catchphrase.

After Minmax recovers, the two adventures are quick to find the Poorly-Locked chest. Minmax opens it, only to be partially blinded by an ambush from Complains-of-Names. Furious, Minmax draws his sword to attack Complains, who responds by activating a powerful magical sword that was in the chest. Forgath quickly backs up his friend, but is attacked from behind by Fumbles, Chief and Big-Ears.

Forgath eventually fights off the three goblins, only to be ambushed from the side by Thaco, who slices a horn off Forgath's prized helmet and wounds him in the arm. Chief, Thaco, Fumbles and Big-Ears attack in unison, but even so Fumbles is nearly killed by Forgath when Thaco stabs the dwarf through the leg. Furious, Forgath beats Thaco to a pulp, putting him at -8 hitpoints.

However, instead of killing the aging goblin, Forgath amazingly puts aside his hatred... and heals him, remarking: "I think we've made a terrible mistake."

Meanwhile, Minmax, scared and wounded, tries to escape Complains. He is soon trapped against a large, intimidating-looking wooden wall. Temporarily distracted by a large, poorly-written warning sign on the wall, Minmax is tackled from behind by Complains and crashes through the wood. He finds himself inside a sanctuary of sorts for the statues of past clan Chieftens.

Badly wounding Minmax, Complains thinks he has won and begins to taunt his foe, thinking it will frighten him. Instead, he takes it too far and simply angers Minmax, who pulls the statue of Chief's father, Kills a Werebear, over on top of Complains. Unable to reach his sword, Complains pulls his Shield of Wonder (complentary of the poorly-locked chest), over himself. Minmax strikes the shield with his sword, unwittingly setting off a spell that turns his sword into something akin to a living shadow. Forgath rushes to his friend's rescue, but is himself ensnared by the black tendrils.

Meanwhile, Fumbles lifts the statue up off Complains just enough for him to roll out from under it and grab his sword. Instantly he is attacking the adventurers yet again, unaware of the events on the other side of the intimidating wooden-wall. He is stopped by Big-Ears of course, whom he promptly hits in the face with his shield. Eventually, however, Complains is restrained by Chief and Fumbles, who drag him back to the broken wall.

The goblins manage to escape, leaving Minmax and Forgath to their fate.

List of UpdatesEdit

up.1 The Goblins' Introduction p.1, p.2, p.3, p.4, p.5, p.6

up.2 The Goblins Discuss the Poorly Locked Chest p.7, p.8, p.9

up.3 The Adventurers Introduction p.10, p.11, p.12

up.4 The Fiery Pit p.13, p.14, p.15

up.5 The Goblins' Three Plans p.16, p.17, p.18, p.19, p.20

up.6 Minmax and the Shiny Rock p.21, p.22, p.23

up.7 Minmax vs The Demons p.24, p.25, p.26, p.27, p.28, p.29

up.8 Hawl the Trader p.30, p.31, p.32

up.9 Herbert Strikes Again p.33, p.34, p.35, p.36

up.10 Kore's Arrival p.37, p.38, p.39, p.40

up.11 Fumbles' Perfect Character p.41, p.42

up.12 Kore Attacks p.43, p.44, p.45, p.46

up.13 Kore's Departure p.47, p.48, p.49

up.14 Thaco's Introduction p.50, p.51, p.52

up.15 Minmax Gets bored p.53, p.54, p.55, p.56

up.16 The Lake Monster p.57, p.58, p.59, p.60

up.17 Complains and Thaco p.61, p.62

up.18 First Blood p.63, p.64, p.65, p.66, p.67

up.19 The Battle Begins p.68, p.69, p.70

up.20 Sending in Back Up p.71, p.72, p.73, p.74

up.21 The Bet p.75, p.76, p.77, p.78, p.79

up.22 Bleeding To Death p.80, p.81, p.82, p.83

up.23 Complains vs Minmax p.84, p.85, p.86

up.24 Roleplaying XP p.87, p.88, p.89, p.90

up.25 Klik (update) p.91, p.92

up.26 Forgath's Fortune p.93, p.94, p.95, p.96, p.97, p.98

up.27 Forgath vs The Fortune Teller p.99, p.100, p.101, p.102

up.28 Fumbles Fumbles p.103, p.104, p.105

up.29 Fumbles vs The Purple Worm p.106, p.107

up.30 The Rules Just Changed p.108, p.109, p.110, p.111, p.112

up.31 Sacred Statues p.113, p.114, p.115

up.32 A Tragic Mistake p.116, p.117, p.118

up.33 The Beginning p.119, p.120, p.121, p.122, p.123

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